Self-Awareness #1: Selfishness

So i'm about to graduate from VCU this spring (yesssss), and about 2 semesters ago, a classmate I had told me I might enjoy taking a Social Work class based on my career goals. So I did, and now I wish somebody had told me that earlier so I could of gotten a Social Work degree instead of the Psychology degree I will be graduating with, oh well. The VCU Social Work program has several emphases, and this idea called "self-awareness" is one of them. Self-awareness basically says that until you really know yourself (positives, negatives, biases, heritage, etc.) you won't be able to counsel or help others to the best of your ability. And that idea really makes sense to me, if you become a pastor or Social Worker and aren't willing to acknowledge and deal with your prejudice against "dead beat dads" because yours was, then when one walks into your office asking for help how are you going to be able to fully extend grace and help to them?

So I've taken two social work classes (sooo wish I could take more) and self-awareness has been pounded into my head. The more and more I thought about it, the more I got kinda uncomfortable. The saying "ignorance is bliss" really applies here. I don't really want to look myself in the eye and pull out all the darkness inside my heart to confront it. That's really messy, and difficult. But I understand also how humbling and freeing it will be...so i'm gonna try to take at least the rest of this year (if I actually follow through with it, haha) to become "self-aware". Scripture I believe also calls us to become self-aware. The Psalmists often pray for God to make them self-aware: "Search my heart Oh Lord, and show me the sins that plague me". Paul encourages (or maybe commands) in 1st Corinthians to "evaluate ourselves" before we take communion, and to confess whatever sins we need to before we accept the bread and wine. The Apostle John in 1st John encourages us to "confess our sins to each other" and James the brother of Jesus says a similar sentiment throughout his epistle. Sooooo, without further ado I guess here I go.

I struggle with selfishness. It really sucks, but I do. And what's even worse is that I thought for a long time that I was a selfless kinda person, and then the blessed union of marriage showed me otherwise, haha. With friends, I was able to let my wishes be overlooked a lot of the time because it was all about things that I didn't really care about. "Yo, what movie are we gonna watch? No, whatever you wanna watch is great with me!" Or "Oh, you wanna play video games instead of skate today?" Stupid little situations like that, I always could put the wants of the other person before my own. On top of being insignificant topics to me, it also was only a couple times a day I had to do so. Then, when Maria and I got married I saw in other little situation, I was being a total jerk about stuff like that. Maria and I have different tastes in bread, she likes the healthy wheat stuff I like the chemically saturated white bread. At first, I refused to eat anything that wasn't white. Maria rightfully won that argument in the end, wheat doesn't taste as bad as I thought and it's sooo much healthier, she's totally saving me from a pre-mature clogged artery. But in little things like that and more, I refused to put Maria's cares and wishes first. Obviously, I've had to with a mix of will power, schema changing, and the power of the Holy Spirit learn to be more selfless with her.

It goes further back and bigger on this topic also. I'm always that guy at parties who takes the rudely big plate of everything before everyone has gotten some, and the list could go on. I especially remember being soooo selfish with things when I was living with my parents. I always thought the things I was doing or wanted to do were the most important in the house, so I would wail, complain, and justify until my parents couldn't take it anymore and would let me do whatever I "needed" or was asking. I now see how all that is just so wrong.

It's even worse because Scripture calls us to express "agape" love to everyone we come into contact with. Agape is the defined as " a self-sacrificing act of the will, to put the thoughts and needs of another above your own". Philippians 2 calls us to "have an attitude like that of Christ's"...which was one of humility and selflessness, it's that attitude that brought him down from heaven to become a lowly (to Him) human and redeem us by the cross. Dang, how the mess can I do that? I can barely hold off from eating all the pizza at Eighteen22. Becoming anything more like Christ is called sanctification, and sanctification I believe starts with us and is finished by the Holy Spirit. I can try my hardest to be selfless, but eventually my carnal desires will win, unless the Holy Spirit is giving me fruit of the spirit to combat them. That's what I pray for, and acknowledging and confessing these aspects of myself I hope as they say is "half the battle".

-Jamal