Self-Awareness #1: Selfishness

So i'm about to graduate from VCU this spring (yesssss), and about 2 semesters ago, a classmate I had told me I might enjoy taking a Social Work class based on my career goals. So I did, and now I wish somebody had told me that earlier so I could of gotten a Social Work degree instead of the Psychology degree I will be graduating with, oh well. The VCU Social Work program has several emphases, and this idea called "self-awareness" is one of them. Self-awareness basically says that until you really know yourself (positives, negatives, biases, heritage, etc.) you won't be able to counsel or help others to the best of your ability. And that idea really makes sense to me, if you become a pastor or Social Worker and aren't willing to acknowledge and deal with your prejudice against "dead beat dads" because yours was, then when one walks into your office asking for help how are you going to be able to fully extend grace and help to them?

So I've taken two social work classes (sooo wish I could take more) and self-awareness has been pounded into my head. The more and more I thought about it, the more I got kinda uncomfortable. The saying "ignorance is bliss" really applies here. I don't really want to look myself in the eye and pull out all the darkness inside my heart to confront it. That's really messy, and difficult. But I understand also how humbling and freeing it will be...so i'm gonna try to take at least the rest of this year (if I actually follow through with it, haha) to become "self-aware". Scripture I believe also calls us to become self-aware. The Psalmists often pray for God to make them self-aware: "Search my heart Oh Lord, and show me the sins that plague me". Paul encourages (or maybe commands) in 1st Corinthians to "evaluate ourselves" before we take communion, and to confess whatever sins we need to before we accept the bread and wine. The Apostle John in 1st John encourages us to "confess our sins to each other" and James the brother of Jesus says a similar sentiment throughout his epistle. Sooooo, without further ado I guess here I go.

I struggle with selfishness. It really sucks, but I do. And what's even worse is that I thought for a long time that I was a selfless kinda person, and then the blessed union of marriage showed me otherwise, haha. With friends, I was able to let my wishes be overlooked a lot of the time because it was all about things that I didn't really care about. "Yo, what movie are we gonna watch? No, whatever you wanna watch is great with me!" Or "Oh, you wanna play video games instead of skate today?" Stupid little situations like that, I always could put the wants of the other person before my own. On top of being insignificant topics to me, it also was only a couple times a day I had to do so. Then, when Maria and I got married I saw in other little situation, I was being a total jerk about stuff like that. Maria and I have different tastes in bread, she likes the healthy wheat stuff I like the chemically saturated white bread. At first, I refused to eat anything that wasn't white. Maria rightfully won that argument in the end, wheat doesn't taste as bad as I thought and it's sooo much healthier, she's totally saving me from a pre-mature clogged artery. But in little things like that and more, I refused to put Maria's cares and wishes first. Obviously, I've had to with a mix of will power, schema changing, and the power of the Holy Spirit learn to be more selfless with her.

It goes further back and bigger on this topic also. I'm always that guy at parties who takes the rudely big plate of everything before everyone has gotten some, and the list could go on. I especially remember being soooo selfish with things when I was living with my parents. I always thought the things I was doing or wanted to do were the most important in the house, so I would wail, complain, and justify until my parents couldn't take it anymore and would let me do whatever I "needed" or was asking. I now see how all that is just so wrong.

It's even worse because Scripture calls us to express "agape" love to everyone we come into contact with. Agape is the defined as " a self-sacrificing act of the will, to put the thoughts and needs of another above your own". Philippians 2 calls us to "have an attitude like that of Christ's"...which was one of humility and selflessness, it's that attitude that brought him down from heaven to become a lowly (to Him) human and redeem us by the cross. Dang, how the mess can I do that? I can barely hold off from eating all the pizza at Eighteen22. Becoming anything more like Christ is called sanctification, and sanctification I believe starts with us and is finished by the Holy Spirit. I can try my hardest to be selfless, but eventually my carnal desires will win, unless the Holy Spirit is giving me fruit of the spirit to combat them. That's what I pray for, and acknowledging and confessing these aspects of myself I hope as they say is "half the battle".

-Jamal

"The Image of the Invisible God"

I've been really fortunate as of late, because God has been giving me more and more opportunities to spend time with people outside my "Christian bubble" of relationships, which has been a really good thing for me. If you don't have friends who believe differently than you do, I highly advise you to get some, it'll hopefully encourage you to better understand what you really believe yourself. That's definitely what it's been doing for me.

So, in the conversations I've been able to have with people who aren't involved in the Church, I kept hearing similar reasons why they weren't. One conversation I had with a regular at my job really struck me. He was saying that he grew up his whole life as a Christian, and still would consider himself one even though he doesn't go to church often. He said the thing that really inadvertently turned him away was the relationship he had with his girlfriend. She was "more religious" than he was, and he got the impression that she looked down on him for that. As time went on, he said that Christianity ended up being the thing that broke them up. Because of the judgmental and down-putting nature of their relationship, he got a bad taste in him mouth about Church. He still believes Jesus is his Savior, just he's not really trying to get burnt again by church people.

That story breaks my heart, mostly because at one point I was just like his judgmental girlfriend. I remember having relationships in high school where I looked down upon and really mistreated people because they weren't as "religious" as me, and I know almost for a fact that I've ruined those people's view of Christ because of it. What was wrong with me? Did I really think that looking down on someone because they aren't as spiritually mature as me is actually spiritually mature? Do we actually think that abruptly and bitterly ending relationships with non-Christians is the best way to interact?

I've been reading through Colossians recently (thinking about preaching through it actually), and Paul says in chapter 1 verse 15 that "Christ is the visible image of the invisible God". I know i'm taking that verse out of the context of Paul's intended message, but I can't help but relate that verse to Christians as a whole. We are now "the image of the invisible God". For a lot of our non-Christian friends, we might be the closest thing to Jesus they'll ever see. So later in Colossians (chapter 4, verse 5) Paul says "live wisely among those who are not believers...let your conversations be gracious and attractive...". Are we being gracious and attractive when we interact with our non-believing friends, co-workers, and family members? You should definitely strive to be, because believe it or not in everything we do we are supposed to model to them what Jesus is like.

Yes, we all mess up, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But I think with the power of the Holy Spirit in us, some individual awareness, and some accountability between us we can actually show people what Jesus is truly like...love. "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciple." (John 13:35). Amen?

-Jamal

Birthday Bloggin (turning 22!)

I have this habit of always getting reflective in or around the month of March, for obvious reasons. Even though my most recent blog post behind this one shows, I'm not a consistent blogger, I do consistently journal. I have stacks and stacks of notebooks filled with journal entries, and it's always fun (and a little embarrassing) to look back at them around my birthday time. As I have been doing that this year, I saw a couple interesting facts.

It was about two years ago in the month of March that the former Ms. Maria Claire Moore popped up into the pages of my personal and prayer journals (yes, in my prayer journal, she was so special I knew I couldn't get her by sheer good looks and whit alone). It was about one year ago in the month of March where God was doing an intense round of character breakdown on me, he was softening my heart and opening up my eyes to people and places who I never cared for or thought much about before, i.e. his Great Commission and the "least of these". Also, I can remember that in March 2011 my then fiancee Maria had just moved into our future first apartment together, a place and moment of time that will always be special to me.

Now to look at the present, Ms. Maria Claire Moore has become Mrs. Maria Claire Jones, God's Great Commission is at the forefront of my mind "as I go", and God is definitely doing another character breakdown in my life (maybe those are more frequent than I thought...). Being a husband is the most fulfilling role I've ever played in my life, but it's also the hardest at times. I have a lot of sins to confess and walls to let God break down, but God is always faithful in those situations. Plus, I have the greatest wife to work with me through all that. I'm graduating college this May, and God is leading me to a new phase of preparation for His calling for me into life-long ministry. I don't know where that's going yet, i'm just praying and waiting to see what he brings.

So, the future is unknown, the present is moving one step at a time, and the past has more or less shaped it all. God is overall doing a good thing in me, and I hope i'm letting Him do a good thing also through me. I totally back journaling, blogging, and reflection of any kind. Because it's so amazing to look back over your writings and to see God's provision. Times could of have been bad for a season, but you can see how God brought you through it and redeemed you in it. You get to look back at unique moments (like falling in love!) and remember every corny sappy thing you were saying and the songs you were listening to. I love that mess, haha.

Anyway, thanks be to God for being here 22 years, and I pray that every year following is again filled with stories and memories of how good He is. Amen

-Jamal